If I tell you a secret...

I have a few things that I hate to admit.

I'm not always a loving open individual. In fact, my ex husband was one of the first people to point out what a moody bitch I can be. Of course, he did that when I was still drinking... and it was true. And sometimes it still is.

I have my pride and loads of fear in my way as I set out to make amends. I don't always do it in a timely fashion. It's not always graceful or pretty. But ultimately I have to do it in order to keep moving forward. I sent out an email amends to someone I needed to sincerely apologize to. Fear in my heart and head and sadness for all the yuck it created. I am glad it was met with some semblance of understanding... in fact it was met with some real class and grace from the other party.

I have been stewing about this amends for a long time.. and it's turned into quite the teacher for me.Seeing clearly my own stubbornness was hard to admit.  Ultimately my desire to have my life work, sitting in some seriously incredible AA meetings as well as having a heap of gratitude for my mom not having to go under the knife (after it seemed like it would need to be done before year's end...) all of that had me get offa my arse and swallow that big batch of pride...

More gratitude as the day rolls on...

Last but never least, I want El-Frida back here with me now..and she's still getting herself nipped, tucked, swabbed and tooled. I'm grateful to have a mechanic I trust. Even when he delivers expensive news, I know he's doing right by me. I may be done driving the van for tours for the year, but I still have some driving to do to get to South Carolina. And who knows when I get to go back to it... it may be sooner than I think. It may be a lot longer than I think.

My schedule is not my own. And I chose that. It's a pretty amazing lesson in letting go. And letting go seems to be the big undercurrent of what I have going on. And you know what? I'm ok today!