1.18.2018

The loss of a friend.

Posting here has always been cathartic.

Sometimes funny.
Sometimes sad.
Always honest.

Today as I went to call my pal Glo to wish her happy birthday I was greeted with the message that her phone has been disconnected. This means that she is jetting around the universe and beyond, having a blast and no longer burdened by this planet and it's screwiness. I have lost someone who has known me my entire life.

And nobody told me she was gone...

She said her family would have a list of folks to notify in the event of her passing and that I was on it. I didn't want to get that call, but it's inevitable.

But shit... to call and be ready to wish her happy birthday and get a disconnect message was a definite call my ass into the present moment. We spoke every couple of months... and laughed really hard through most of those conversations. I'll miss her being one of my biggest cheerleaders.

With The Mother Unit in the hospital with a fair bit of pneumonia, now is not the time to break this news to her. They were coworkers at KTLA a gazillion years ago.  And her eyesight is so bad, I don't think she checks this blog anymore.  It's safe to say I got the feels around my family stuff. Glo was family in my world.

I'm gonna hold onto her laugh in my heart. I can hear it loud and clear.


1.11.2018

A brief summary.

In the waning months of 2017 and into 2018 I was best-friendless.

I have grown apart from my bestie.. or rather, she has grown apart from me. The distance has hurt me deeply, but not as big a trauma as it would have been if I were younger. Still a heartbreaker, but there are lessons to be learned.

I have to get my arse in gear and get The Mother Unit's house sold.

There are good people in this world. Bisbee is still drawing some wonderful human beings into its sphere.

My love and appreciation for my mom are one of the things that are keeping me moving forward.

I have sadness and gratitude residing in my body most days.

2018 is going to be a challenge. I hope to meet that challenge with grace.




12.31.2017

From the 84th to the end of the year.

It's been a good week.

The Mother Unit turned 84 on Thursday, and that day was pretty awesome. The shortened work week went well, and the weekend was not what I had expected in that I ended up cooking kapama on Saturday to take over to a friend's to celebrate her birthday. I had also decided to try my hand at brioche! So my time was filled with bready experiments and crafting one of my all-time favorite dishes.

Kinda worked out perfectly as I decided that going out into the crazy night for NYE held absolutely no appeal for me this year. I had leftover kapama as the last meal of 2017... it was delicious! And I am currently watching Sigur Ros recorded at the Walt Disney Concert Hall with the L.A. Philharmonic. And that is fantastic in its own right, but couple that with the fact that yesterday I watched the livestream of Sigur Ros' last show of the year from Iceland and you essentially have a weekend of incredible music and visuals paired with food and friends. While watching listening yesterday, I wept.. in between the brioche, and the final hour of kapama making was this dynamic bunch of music that really hits me. Every time.

Feeling pretty fortunate tonight. My tiny bubble of a Shangri-La that I live in has taken good care me the last few days. I'll just say I'm hopeful and willing to be open to what's next. 

And I'm grateful for Sigur Ros...



yes... the almost 2-hour concert from Walt Disney Concert Hall.

Happy New Year indeed.




12.29.2017

In good style.













This is what turning 84 looks like.

The Mother Unit and I ventured to Frank's Restaurant in Tucson for a birthday breakfast with the most legendary waitress in The Baked Pueblo. The One, The Only, Candace! It was super sweet from start to finish, and I am pretty sure the singing of "Happy Birthday" was a high point of the day. It was for me anyhow..

I especially liked the Mickey Mouse pancake with the candle... nice touch, Candace!

The day was full of running all over the place provisioning for Roka and grabbing a few pounds of thai basil for the noodle shop and episodes of Walking Dead and Talking Dead, and feeding my mom our special dish of kapama made by me and enjoyed thoroughly. She ate more on her birthday than she has in a while is my guess. And let's face it... that is a really good thing. She's not usually that hungry and she can't really afford to lose a bunch of weight.

It's back to work and back to reality for me. I have too much to do with my house and my mom's house. I doubt I will get up to Tucson this weekend to sort things, but the good news is that I can try to get a few projects here done and then next weekend is all Tucson. Grateful to have taken the day off yesterday to be with The Mother Unit on the occasion of her 84th. So happy she is content and safe at the care home. Everything else is secondary.

12.03.2017

Sunday at The Boatslip 1992.

It starts like this...
“We’d like to remind you to keep both feet on the dance floor at all times...”

I found this cassette tape when going thru things this weekend. Of course I popped the tape in and was immediately smiling with that warning! The Boatslip is still home to the famous Tea Dance every Sunday in season.  The music is beat-mixed to perfection and while the 90’s were not my favorite I still love this tape as one of the silly musical benchmarks in my life. I was still going to clubs and dancing the night away, had a girlfriend, and still owned two Technics 1200 turntables which were the holy grail of turntables for DJ’s. Life would have appeared to be really good at that time for me. It was a couple lifetimes ago really.

My life has always been music-centered. And there has always been change in taste and genre but I can usually appreciate the music I loved from way back. And I am not just talking about Led Zeppelin. Ok, the one caveat to that is my early recovery days when I had a a lesbian therapist and she had me listening to sappy feminist recovery music. I actually can’t do that kind of music at all..

There is always time for music. I just wish the cassette player at my mom’s had auto play insted of me having to stop what I’m doing to flip the thing. But if that is the biggest bee in my bonnet then it’s a good day.

12.01.2017

The coolest kid I know.

I have a pal here in Bisbee who is truly cooler than anyone I have ever known. It's effortless and I would call her enigmatic. She has the world at her feet and she probably doesn't even know it.

And she's 18.

She gives me hope for the future.

I am teaching her how to drive a stick shift. As I have assured her that it's beyond cool to be able to drive vintage cars like VW's and maybe a Porsche to name my own personal favorites. We are two lessons in, and I think that she is gonna have it down within the next 2 lessons. I also need to get her out on the road and just talk to her about driving etiquette and safety.

Her dad gets really anxious about her driving so he was happy to hear I was willing. Plus, I have an extra Acura or I can help her score a deal on a VW station wagon and both are a stick shift. So it's necessity and real possibility merging into the moment.

She is also the drummer/vocalist for The Exbats who are by far the best band in Bisbee. So I feel like I get to give back to them by helping her get confident in her driving skills. I will pile her in the truck (automatic) to and have her just drive without needing to worry about shifting to log some good time behind the wheel. I honed my patience while driving being a tour manager and driving precious cargo (musicians) through the absolute worst traffic in all of the traffucked cities across the US.

Also, it's crucial to mention that The Mother Unit spent years teaching people driving and I feel like her calm demeanor and support definitely made me a better driver and that in a way this is part of paying forward all she did to help others drive better and all she has done for me.

And so far, my friend has not burnt out my starter or clutch and she has not left the transmission in the middle of the road. I doubt that I am the best instructor but I do know that being supportive is a damn good thing.


11.30.2017

It's all so complicated.

Busy day up in The Baked Pueblo yesterday but totally productive.

There are days where it's laid back and easy, and then there are days like yesterday... with calculated strikes and close watching of time to make sure I get everything done and get where I need to be without on schedule. The days are always so much better when The Mother Unit is feeling good like yesterday.

After my successful run up there I hurried back to see The Exbats at what I will call my least favorite venue in Bisbee. It's my least fave because they seem to always have sound problems. It never gets dialed in.

And true to form... the fucked up The Exbats last night and I walked out. So. Disappointing.

There are times I think I should place shows there and then the whole sound thing rears its ugly head and I know in my heart that I cannot subject the artists or the audience to that kind of torture. 

Never again... not for live music anyways.

This morning I woke up late and decided to give myself some space to meander around the house and slowly get out the door. I even gave myself a game of pinball which started out as a garbage game with a score of 700,00 at 4 balls in. My average score is 2,500,00-3,500,00 most good days. I was not going to give up. I powered through, getting an extra ball then getting multi-ball and eventually another extra ball and another multi to finish with a score of 4,788,000. But literally, during that game, I stopped to drink an entire cup of coffee, thought about how much I loved my mom, cried a little, and then circled back to disappointment about The Exbats show last night. 

Judas Priest!

Crazy rollercoaster!

And Thursdays is generally a day I go back to work and play clean-up for all the stuff they didn't do. So I am gonna guess the crazy rollercoaster will continue. It's a virtual Matterhorn over here in Tiny Town.


11.25.2017

A Pat On My Back.

I'm pattin'.

Yup.

I got my main chore done for the day.

Halfway through..., it was looking tedious. Exasperated by the incessant barking from the small bored dogs next door.













This is about half of the refuse.













I am proud that I stayed the course and did what needed to be done to maximize the Brush and Bulky Collection. I did call for some bagging help, and it was money well spent. I'm kinda sore, kinda tired, but seriously pleased with myself. Thought about staying up there and doing more work, but decided that one day was enough for this weekend. I got a bum knee right now and my bed is a good place to prop up my sore parts. 

Yard work?

It’s 80 so ething degrees out and I am doing yard work. 

Let. That. Sink. In. 

I am in Tucson doing yard work. Sadly, it’s to take advantage of Brush and Bulky Collection. Certainly not because I like yard work or that I am hyper vigilant... but because the city is picking it up for free. 

Burning a day off but doing all the next right things. It’s also keeping my mind busy after a very close moment with a boxer puppy that had me aching for the days of dog ownership. Shit.. that dog is gonna be a good one.  It’s just not quite time for me to have one. 

My heart is a little cracked today. 

But the front yard is done. Now time for the back.  Ugh. 

11.24.2017

And it went from 0 to 48mph and then back to 0.

The National Day of Eating.

So much prep. So much hype. And...

Damn. That tasted pretty good!

This is what the feast for three people looked like in transit.  















This is what my National Day of Eating looked like.













The Mother Unit was in good spirits, and while I wasn't there all day, it was the perfect calculated mission. She ate nearly everything on her plate and passed on pie after because she was too full.  Fine by me. She ate well.

I got home just a little before 6pm and realized how grateful I am every day (ok... most days) for this time with her. It may not be a glamorous or exciting life I am creating but it's certainly got some super good human connection and community.

Yup. I'll take it.


11.23.2017

Never forget...

Everything prepped.
Most stuff pre-cooked by me.
Drive to Tucson.
Go to make gravy....

No. Fucking. Flour.

Are you kidding me?

Oh well... if that’s my biggest problem today I am good.

Off to see The Mother Unit in a bit.

Grateful as hell for so much. And it’s a beautiful day!

11.20.2017

Savoring friendship.

Had a friend visiting this weekend.

The motel across the street has truly become the best guest room I could have fashioned. I live in small houses. People don't wanna be in each other's space that much. Maybe it's me that just wants to be able to get up early and drink coffee at 5:30 or 6 a.m. without worrying about waking someone up? Meh... whatever.

The weekend was full of good food, conversation (mostly about aging parents and how we as the children are better people for stepping up), and a couple little road trips to just look and see.

This three-day visit has me keenly aware of how I miss hanging with my pal who moved to Bisbee but has been doing her thang in Warren and rarely wants to meet up in Old Bisbee to hang. But the truth is, I still honor and cherish that friendship while learning to let it have its space.

Nothing like having pals come from far away after not seeing them for years to give me gratitude for the pal I have right here. Funny how that worked.

An easy weekend for me now it's crunch time from here out to get my mom's house organized/cleaned out and sold. A daunting task for sure, but it has to happen soon.

I cooked turkey last night till 10:30 pm. It came out nice. The trek up to The Baked Pueblo on Thursday will have my little car smelling of all things delicious and hopefully, I can get back to Tiny Town early enough to get a few hours in at work to make sure I'm not buried on Friday.

It's coffee season...

Speaking of which, where is my cup?

11.14.2017

What the shell is for.

There are times when being a Cancerian is tough to deal with.

Every once in a while I completely retreat into my shell and just exist. In these shell-filled times, I often get very productive on the homefront, but perhaps a little too introverted for my liking.

I more or less had a weekend like that but I did drag myself out to hear some music for Sidepony Fest. And as soon as the sets I wanted to hear were done, I went back home and back in my shell.

I think it's a feeling of being vulnerable that has me retreating. I am not 100 % with my knee having gotten tweaked at pickleball. Nothing like grappling with a body that is refusing to do what you want it to bring out all the feels.

There is usually a soundtrack to this kind of mood.

This last weekend it was a band called The American Dollar.  It's all instrumental, has some Sigur Ros type elements, and it just flows nicely in the background. Not morose, not pop music. I gotta get outta my shell though. Work is busy, the weekly trip to The Baked Pueblo waits for no one, and I have shit to do around here that requires a little more human interaction.

Six days in a shell... I live in this Shangri-La called Bisbee for a reason. I can shell it or shuck it. And this town just lets me be true to whatever the fuck I need to be.

This is a sample of what the soundtrack in and outta my head has been...